my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
