The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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