hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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