i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
