Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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