I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
