Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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