I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
