If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
