She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
