Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
