Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
