good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
