Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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