you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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