Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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