Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
