K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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