somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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