I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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