It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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