I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize