The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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