i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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