I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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