My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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