im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
