I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
