Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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