the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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