I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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