They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
