Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
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He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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