I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
