My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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