I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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