I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
