I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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