I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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