Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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