walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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