I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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