I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
