Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
