I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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