Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
