Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
