You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your penis caused this!
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