he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
