Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My balls are so social today.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
