White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
