Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They took my balls.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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