I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
