Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
