Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
