to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
